Let Them Lead: The Power of Agency in Kids
- Tammy Evans
- Dec 10
- 3 min read
How stepping back as a parent builds trust, confidence, and emotional safety
Letting Her Lead
My Youngest daughter is playing basketball now, and every week I sit with the other parents in the bleachers. I watch as so many of them unknowingly put tremendous
unnecessary pressure on their kids coaching from the stands, critiquing every play, correcting mistakes before the child even takes a breath.
Years ago, with my older baller, I was closer to that parent than I want to admit.
It is called GENERATIONAL SHAME!
It is not our game. We have the right to cheer but not to bully our kids into how we think they should perform so we can feel better about our
dysregulated selves.
Let that sink in!
It is a GAME, that is our daughter and she deserves to do her own thing without being shamed for mistakes.
I had to learn slowly and painfully at times because I am a HUGE competitor myself however the best thing I did with my older children was to step back.
Now, when Reese plays, I say almost nothing except cheering.
No instructions.
No corrections.
No analysis.
Just presence.
And on the car ride home?I let her talk.
Sometimes she talks for five minutes.
Sometimes fifteen.
Sometimes not at all.
And when the silence feels long, all I ask is:
“Ice cream?”
What’s happening on those drives isn’t about basketball.
It’s about agency.
It’s about her learning the difference between performing for approval and becoming who she’s meant to be.
The Best Lessons Aren’t About the Game
Sports can teach kids discipline, teamwork, and resilience. But the biggest lesson I’ve learned is this:
If you are lucky enough to have a kid playing a sport.
The parent child relationship is most important.
You can't get this time back. And our time is precious.
SO TAKE A SEAT, CHEER and ENJOY THE SHORT RIDE!
Reese knows I’m there.
She knows I’m watching.
She knows I’m cheering.
She knows that the minute she gets in the car, there is no critique waiting for her.
That safety—emotional safety—is what builds confidence.
Not pressure.
Not performance
Not parental analysis disguised as “feedback.”
Just presence.
Agency: The Missing Ingredient in Youth Sports
Kids don’t grow when we control them; they grow when we support them.
Reese now asks me to go hit in softball. She asks to shoot around in basketball. She asks to show me things. She leads. It is her passion, not mine.
That desire comes from within her, not from me pushing.
And it is stronger, healthier, and more lasting than anything I could ever force.
So important: Kids don’t need us to “discipline” them during a game.They don’t need us shouting reminders across a gym or field.
They don’t need tension coming from the sideline.
Their young minds need space to play.
Play is where they learn.
Play is where confidence grows.
Play is where identity forms.
What My Healing Taught Me About Parenting
I didn’t get this right with my older kids. I tried, but I was still carrying wounds I didn’t understand.
I was parenting from my own fear, anxiety, and unhealed stories.
Reese is growing up with a version of me who has done the work.
A version of me who knows that trust—not pressure—is the foundation for every healthy relationship.
And that is why our bond has become something bigger than sports could ever teach:
She knows I am here.
Not to judge.
Not to coach.
Not to correct.
But to be with her.
That’s what builds agency.That’s what builds confidence.That’s what builds kids who can think, feel, and lead themselves.
A Message to Every Parent in the Stands
Some of us get one shot with one kid who may play a sport.
Others get a second chance with our younger children.
Either way, we can always choose differently starting today.
Before the next game, try this:
Sit back.
Breathe.
Cheer.
Let them be kids.
And save the car ride for connection—not correction.
Trust the process.
Trust them.
And trust that your presence—not your pressure—creates the safest environment for your child to grow.
Comments